Friday, January 28, 2011

Sometimes I Wish...

1. That God would bless me with a dream about sparkly vampires so I could wake up and write a (sub-par) best-selling series and be rich.

2. That babies came in a back-pack that you carried around. That way, when you were tired, or sick, or just sick and tired, you could hand over the Gestation Pouch (which is what I would call it) and at the same time hand over your fatigue and morning sickness.

3. All water tasted like Diet Coke

4. Schools required and provided uniforms. Not the students, the teachers.

5. That all songs had similar, peppy beats just like "The Pina Colada Song."

6. That the week went Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Saturday, and then repeat. This way, no Mondays (but I suppose Tuesday would take the place of Monday, but there always has to be at least ONE loser in every bunch).

7. That the world would realize that the truth of the matter is that there really is at least ONE loser, if not more, in every bunch.

8. That all weird high-school boys who played Dungeons and Dragons could find equally weird, yet endearing girls to flirt back with them. It should be a requirement of the universe.

9. Amy Winehouse wasn't a druggie loser. Her music is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC

10. That the most common punctuation mark was the exclamation! That way! Everything would be exciting! All the time! Even if I said something like, you are the worst loser in the whole entire world! At least it would be exciting!

11. That people would be completely honest. At least we'd all know where we stood.

12. That Elton John would be as cool as his songs

13. That Kelly Clarkson would write more angry-girl music

14. That cable companies would give you a little paper with check-mark boxes and prices next to every channel. Then, you would just go and check the channels you wanted, and your bill would be the price of all the channels you actually watched. And that Cable was regular TV. And that DVR was written into the constitution as a unalienable right.

15. 70's Soft Rock was all the rage. I would be SO cool.

16. My life was a soap opera. That way, I would have great, big hair and way too much makeup, and I could throw people down the stairs. I would also have an evil twin, two or three lovers, but only one true love, and that true love would die, but then come back to life as a younger, sexier version after 20 years of being dead. It would be fabulous.

17. That I could get paid to stay home and do laundry. I would be paid by the article of clothing--and do you know what? I would charge per sock instead of per pair. Because I am just that greedy.

18. That water tasted like Diet Coke. Did I already say that?

19. That I was a professional student. I would get a degree in carptentry, Home Economics, English (again), History, politics, culinary arts, photography, and Creative Writing

20. That winter lasted 2 months, summer lasted 2 months, and the other 8 months of the year were Spring and Fall.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Oh Tdank doo, Tdank doo, Mommy!"


So I took Alice to take off her cast yesterday. I was really worried because Alice hates--HATES-- the doctor. She thinks every person who wears a white coat or scrubs is coming to give her a shot. But I had high hopes--she was so good when we got her cast on. I think that was mainly because Joe was with us. She is SUCH a Daddy's girl!

Anyway, she was being really good and didn't even freak out when we went to the waiting room. We were called right away to go get x-rays. I forgot about the x-rays, or I would have insisted that Joe come with us again. I couldn't hold Alice while she was getting the x-rays, and again I worried. For no reason apparently. Alice was a trooper! She stood by the x-ray table and held so still all by herself! It helped that they "let" her wear an apron (it was really a lead apron to protect her from the radiation. But she loved it).

They took us in a little room and someone came in with the saw--yes a SAW to cut off the cast.

Just kidding. It really didn't look like that. It looked more like this. It looked and sounded like a vacuum cleaner. The only thing in the whole world that Alice is scared of is the vacuum cleaner.

Has anybody tried to hold a toddler while someone approached them with a saw? A saw that looked and sounded like a vacuum cleaner?And then let them cut into your child? I mean, I know they're trained, but well. They could miss. Not gonna lie. I was scared. Poor Alice was all tense and shaking and crying. I felt really bad. But then it was over.

As soon as she realized why they were cutting into her cast, Alice calmed right down and allowed them to pry and cut it off. As soon as it was off, she looked down at her arm, flexed it a couple of times and then said, "Ohhh! Tdank doo, tdank doo, tdank doo (thank you)!" to the nurse. About twenty times, at least. She kept saying it until the nurse said you're welcome back.

The nurse left, and Alice turned to me and said, "Oh Tdank dooo, Tdank doo, Mommy!" And then went for the gummy bears in her bag. With her cast arm. She was such a happy girl!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

You Know You Live In Utah When...

You hear that the end of the week is going to be 40 degrees, and you are excited about the "warm weekend."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Jesus, Heavenly Father, and....Santa Claus?

Last night we were having a family home evening about Temples. I got on LDS.org and showed Alice all of the pictures of the temples. Alice had, what I consider to be, the appropriate response. She said, "OOOH! Oh! Pretty Temple." This is the conversation that followed after I saw how interested she was:

Me: "Yes, it's pretty, huh."

Alice: "Pretty Temple"

Me: "Do you know that the temple is Jesus' house?"

Alice: "Jesus house?"

Me: "Yep. Jesus lives there, and so does Heavenly Father."

Alice: "Heavenly Father and Jesus house."

Me: "That's right. Jesus and Heavenly Father live in the temple."

Alice: "Jesus, Heavenly Father. Santa Claus!"

Me: "No, not Santa Claus. Just Jesus and Heavenly Father."

Alice (dropping her head, and said quite disappointingly): "Oh, no."

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

It's a New Year

So that means new hopes for the future. So here's the essential question: To resolve or not to resolve? Here's my thinking: I should make resolutions because it makes me feel like I have something to work toward. After all, someone did say at some point or another, a resolution not written down is just a wish. Well, they actually said goal, but for some reason, I like the word resolution here. Anyway, should I just wish? Or should I make it concrete?

On the other hand, If I do make resolutions to, let's say, lose 50 pounds this year (which I'm not, by the way), and then I don't accomplish it, it makes me feel like a loser. So the question becomes this: would I rather be a mediocre wisher or a helpless loser? Hmmmm.

Of course, resolutions can't be that bad. But then publishing them on you blog for all to read, and later witness your loser-ness? Again, I revert to HMMMMM.

Despite my hmmm-ness, I will jot down a couple of goals here that I am sure to accomplish.

1. To Not gain 100 pounds
2. To Not feel bad about my messy house
3. To read more fun books
4. To not grade papers at home.
5. To not care about the fact that I don't grade papers at home.
6. To go to the movies more often
7. To cook more
8. To not feel bad when I don't cook more


I think that's enough for now. I do believe I have just discovered the solution to resolution-failure-ness. Write goals that you can actually accomplish. For example, I'm pretty sure I won't lose a whole lot of weight this year, so losing weight would be a stupid resolution. But I am also pretty sure I won't gain 100 pounds, either. Another example: If my resolution is to keep a clean house, well. I'm just setting myself up for failure, because we all know I hate to clean and I am very tired when I get home to work, so I settle for a semi-clean house most of the time. See? I've already failed. But to say not feel bad about my messy house? Done. Check. I am the best resolution-er ever.

I already feel better about myself.

What It's Like Grading Papers: A Play in Two Scenes

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