Cast:
• Person #1
• Person #2
• John Doe
• Person #3
Person #1 is sitting at a desk, writing something. Person #2 Enters with a John Doe
Person #2: Hi!
Person #1: Hi.
Person #2 shoves John Doe in front so Person #1 sees them clearly. John Doe smiles and waves. Person #1 waves back hesitantly.
Person #2: John Doe is a huge deal in Japan.
Person #1: O-oh. Okay.
Person #2: In fact, he earned a nickname
Person #1: Wait a second. I don’t know what you’re talk—
Person #2: [talking over Person #1] this nickname was the John to end all Johns or so they
thought.
Person #1: Who’s John again? And who Is ‘they’?
Person #2: First I’ll talk about what John Doe is and his history
John Doe waves
Person #1: Wait, I thought he was a person. And why are you telling me this again?
Person #2: Then I’ll talk about the terms.
Person #1: Terms? Of what? Wait—how do you know this guy?
Person #2: Then I’ll talk about the negative effects of John Doe.
Person #1: Negative effects? That sounds bad. I don’t really think I’m interested. And I’m really confused. No thanks.
Person #2: John Doe was alive when it happened.
Person #1: What happened? Is he not alive now? I still don’t know who this guy is.
Person #2: The result of John Doe was the mistreatment of the Aliens of Zurg by the protestants.
Person #1: Wait. Protestants? Aren’t the Mayflower people? And who are the aliens of Zurg? And I still don’t know why this guy is here.
John Doe smiles and waves again.
Person #2: So, as you can see, John Doe is essential to the formalization of their Gun Control laws.
Person #1: What? Who’s Gun Control Laws? And what happened to the aliens? And I still have no idea why this guy is standing here.
John Doe smiles and waves again.
Person #2: And this is why John Doe is big in Japan. Thank you.
Person #2 leaves the room. John Doe smiles and waves at Person #1 again.
Person #1: Wait! You left this guy here! I don’t know what to do with him! [Pause. She looks at John Doe.] I still don’t know who you are.
Scene II
Person #1 is still sitting at the desk. This time, person #1’s hair is messy, her makeup is smeared, and there’s several cans of Diet Coke littered all around and it’s late at night. Person #3 enters with John Doe, dressed the same as before.
Person #1: Oh no, not this guy again. This is gonna be rough. [tries to sip from an empty coke can]. I’m gonna need another Diet Coke. I wish I could get drunk.
Person #3: In 1919, the world was in a horrible war, the likes of which had never been seen before.
Person #1: Oh yeah. I’ve heard about this.
Person #3: After many years of exhausting and terrifying battle, the world countries created John Brown, the bearer of peace.
John Doe waves and smiles. During this time, and throughout Person #3’s dialogue, John Doe reacts much like a model when the runway commentator describes what a model’s wearing. John Doe should continue his poses and actions throughout the rest of the scene, based on what is being said.
Person #1: Oooooh. You’re that John Doe. Yes, I’m with you. Continue.
Person #3: Since this was the first time a war of this scope had been seen in the history of the world, John Doe has gone down in history as the most influential peacemaker, despite some of his flaws. This influence has rightly earned him the nickname of “The John to End all Johns.”
Person #1: Oh, that’s what that means. Maybe I won’t just pretend to care this time. Tell me more.
Person #3: Okay. First, I’ll talk about why John Doe was needed
Person #1: Makes sense. Yes, I see why we would start there.
Person #3: Then, we’ll talk about what John Doe actually did.
Person #1: Naturally. Continue.
Person #3: Finally, we’ll talk about the unintended consequences of John Doe.
Person #1: Yeah. That’s a much better word choice. Much less threatening.
10 minutes later
Person #3: As you can see, John Doe influenced the way the world understood foreign relations. And even though he is blamed for the treatment of the Aliens of Zurg, the world was able to learn from John Doe. Many decisions that influence war today stem from John Doe, which is why we can all agree that John Doe deserves his nickname, “the John to end all Johns.”
John Doe bows and exits to room.
Person #1: [claps and wipes away tears] Wow. That was great. Mostly false, but still. At least I knew what you were talking about. Great job. Now if you could just figure out how to use a semi-colon, you would be golden.
Person #3: Wow! Thanks! How’d I do?
Person #1: Like I said. Really great.
Person #3: So…
Person #1: So….?
Person #3: So… you said I did really well.
Person #1: Yeah?
Person #3: So… do I get the million dollars?
Person #1: Oh that! Yeah, sorry about that. Um, no, you don’t.
Person #3: What? Why? I totally deserve it.
Person #1: Yeah, well, see, I stopped seeing John Doe-s at 8:00. I sent out a notice.
Person #3: But, it’s only 9:00.
Person #1: Yeah, I meant 8:00 AM.
Person #3: Oh. But, still, it’s only like, 13 hours late.
Person #1: Oh, yeah. 8 AM six months ago. I’m looking at John Lennon-s, now.
Person #3: [stands in silence blinking for a while with mouth open.] Buuuuut. I demonstrated I can do it.
Person #1: Well, sure. You can now. But I was looking for John Doe-s then. Not now. Look, I would really love to explain to you how time works, but it’s getting really late and caffeine has lost its power. I would also love to give you the million dollars, but it’s gone. You missed your chance. And, if we’re going to be honest, your John Doe was good, but it wasn’t a million dollars good. I mean, you were mostly wrong. And half of it was an obvious copy from someone else. You didn’t even make him look different.
Person #3: I’m telling my mom you said that. That’s racist. [stomps out and slams the door]
Person #1: [to herself] I don’t think that’s what that means. Yeah. I need to be drunk.
THE END
