Are We There Yet?

Up until now I have been relatively quiet about everything that has been going on with Joe and me. I have hinted now and then to our fertility struggles, but I have kept most of the details quiet. Mostly this was because I don’t like the questions, I don’t like having to explain everything to everyone a million times, I don’t like people who are pregnant to feel like they can’t be excited for their own babies (just for the record, the more babies around that I can hold, the better :) ) and I don’t like people telling me how sorry they are. It makes me cry, and I don’t like crying for myself in front of people. But I know everyone is curious as a result of my cryptic hints, and I have selfishly allowed my dear best friend, Kristin, to answer everyone’s questions. So here’s the latest.

Joe and I both struggle with fertility issues. It took us four different doctors and a year and half to feel like we had answers; we had just figured that a few ovulation inducing drugs would fix me. The drugs were not fun, but I dealt with the hot flashes and the mood swings (actually Joe dealt with those) with what I consider some grace, and we decided we would begin Intra Uterine Insemination.

A lot of people get IUI mixed up with IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). The difference is that IVF is where the doctors extract the egg from the ovary and fertilize it in a Petri dish and then implant the healthy, fertilized embryos back into the uterus and hope for implantation. This procedure costs anywhere between $10,000 - $30,000. IUI, which is what Joe and I decided to try, is when the husband’s sperm is injected into the fallopian tubes with a syringe in a five minute procedure. It’s relatively painless (unless the nurse isn’t careful with those long beak-like things that open your cervix…OUCH!), and runs about $280.00 a pop.

Well, we’re not stupid. The money sounded much nicer with the IUI. At this point, I had stopped taking my medication because we were taking a short break, but I continued to have my period on a (semi) regular basis. I was thrilled because our chances of pregnancy without ovulation inducing drugs were higher (this is because Clomid reduces the quality of the egg. Normally, when you’re creating babies the old fashioned way, it’s not a problem. But with the insemination, the egg quality is an issue). So, with my periods regular, and some money saved up, we decided to move forward.

We did one insemination in February, then when it didn't work, we did a couple procedures to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked (they shoot dye up inside you. Not fun). We finally tried for a second time at the end of May. We hadn't had success yet, but we weren't discouraged. It is very rare to get pregnant the first few tries of IUI. We were getting ready to try again on Tuesday, (this week), but I felt that something was wrong. I was on cycle day 24. This is not normal. I called the nurse and asked her about it, and she wanted me to go in immediately to see what was going on.

To make a long story short, apparently I haven’t been ovulating, even though I have been having my period. I can’t figure that one out and the doctors don’t know, either. Obviously, this wasn’t working. So we had to decide how aggressive we wanted to get. Joe and I discussed it a long time ago that we would go as far as we could without IVF. I have heard that egg extraction is not a pleasant experience, and I don’t know if I really want to go through all of that.

So here’s the current decision: Once my period starts, I am going to start taking a different ovulation inducing drug called Femara (it’s actually for breast cancer, but the side effect is ovulation) for days 3-7 of my cycle. Then I am going to be giving myself FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections until day 12. This will cause my body to produce several follicles and allow them to grow until they are right for fertilization. Then on day 12, I will start going into the doctor’s office for blood tests and ultra sounds to see when the eggs are ready to be released. There is no telling how many times I will need to go in before it’s time. Then, when they doctor decides that the eggs are “ripe,” then I will give myself an HsG injection, which causes the eggs to be released from the ovary in exactly 36 hours, which is when I will go in AGAIN and be inseminated. It's a very long, time consuming process. And frustrating.

Here’s the scary thing: Ever heard of John and Kate plus 8? Know how they have sextuplets (that’s six babies at once)? Guess what fertility procedures they did? Yeah. The chances for multiples are very high. My doctor, who is an active LDS member, stops cycles if there are more than 3 babies. Thank goodness. So, if this works, this might be the only time we do this. Joe and I have already decided if we get more than one, then we are done.

So that’s it. That’s what’s going on. I just want to say that our struggles, in the fertility world, are fixable and small. There are options for us, and Joe and I feel strongly that the decisions we have made are the right decisions for us. We are also very optimistic about our prospects at this point. It has been a very hard road, but it’s not a dead end.

Joe said something the other day when I called and told him what was going on: he said, “Well, at least you’re not dying.” That really affected me. I’m not dying. I am a very healthy person, and so is Joe. This is sad, but it’s not the end of the world. When we were first venturing out on this crazy world of hormones and doctors, my dad and the bishop said the same thing, “It’s not the end of the world.”

I wanted to sock them in the nose.

It was the end of my world. But after two years, I realize it’s not. I still have Joe. I still have the gospel. I still laugh at funny things, and I still sing in my car. I’m not dead and the world is still turning. I have decided something within these last two years. I have decided that I have the choice: do I become bitter and feel sorry for myself? Or do I move forward, do what we can do, and enjoy life? I try really hard to be positive, and we try to cheer each other up on the really hard days. It’s a process. But right now we are seeing the end. We are only going to try this a few times. If it works, we will be ecstatic. If is doesn’t? Well….we’ve been there before. If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it is that you have to have a plan, and if that plan doesn’t work out, then you make another one. And when that one doesn’t work out, then you make another and another and another until you find a plan that gets you where you need to go. And once you get there, you don’t mind how many plans were discarded. You’re just glad you’re there.

I think we’re almost there.