Feeling a Little Lost

When I graduated high school, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: I wanted to be a teacher. And I wasted as little time as possible getting it done. I went to school right away, only giving myself summers off to work and save money for the next round of books to buy (when you're an English major, we're talking 400-800 dollars on books per semester).

I didn't take the customary year off, I didn't play a little bit. I graduated in May of 2000, started college in August of 2000, and didn't stop until I graduated college in April 2004. Then, I got a job right out of college and started teaching at my Alma Mater August 2004. And I have been returning to school to teach every August since. Until now.

For the first time since Kindergarten, I am one week away from August and am not getting ready to go back to school. I went to Wal-Mart the other day and walked right by the school supplies. You know, kind of like you do when you see an old boyfriend and then pretend you didn't so you don't have to revisit the pain? School supplies are like my old boyfriend--except they're not douche bags. They just cause pain, is the point.

It's not like I am permanently separated from school--I'm still doing lesson plans for my sub during maternity leave, and I am still attending any meeting I can before Baby makes his/her appearance (15 more days!). And I do realize that I will be back in the swing of things starting October. But October ISN'T school season. It will feel so weird. And I'm going part time. Never in my life have I part-timed anything relating to education. I've part-timed being a mom and wife and housekeeper. I've part-timed being a pizza maker, sandwich maker, hostess, and grocery checker. But if it related to education, whether I was doing the assignments or giving the assignments, I have been in, whole hog, all or nothing.

And that's changing. I am almost 3o years old, and I don't know how to not be in school. I am going to be 30 on September 9, and for the first time since I was 5, I will not be celebrating at school.

I'm at a loss of what to do, really. I don't know how to live life without school or planning for school or shopping for school. I don't know how to dress if you don't go to school--Do regular people buy clothes for themselves at times other than August? I don't. I buy "back-to-school" clothes once a year. What do people wear when they don't go to school everyday? Do they still shower and wear nice clothes? (Believe it or not, I have some really nice clothes. But I haven't been able to wear them for about 3 years, because right when I was starting to get my body back from being pregnant with Alice, I got pregnant again.) What do people do during the day in the fall? I've never been home during the day in the fall. In summer, I stay inside in my pajamas recovering from last school year and gearing up for the next. What do you do when you don't have anything to gear up for? I realize that I should be gearing up for 3/4 time motherhood, and that will be challenging, but does that require professional dress? Because I have some killer slacks and heels that I really want to wear again if I can manage it. I don't know how to get ready to be a 3/4 or full-time mom. I do know how to get ready for school, though. I've been doing it all my life.

And more importantly: will I really go most of the fall without reading The Crucible? I have read The Crucible every fall for 7 years! What am I going to do without entertaining myself by making unsuspecting boys yell "Whore! Whore!" As loud as they possibly can as we read John Proctor in class (I really do make them yell it. And they have to keep doing it until they really "feel" it. It takes about 5 times before they really start to let loose. And they fight over who gets to say "bitch" too. What am I going to do without that?)

It's sad, really. I am an (almost) 30 year old woman who doesn't know how to function without the public school system. You might find this blog taking a bit of a turn over the next two months as I navigate August and September, for the first time in my life, at home, away from bells and crowded hallways. It will be a ride, to say the least.