The Bright Side of Life...Stick With It...I'll Get There

So if anyone has had the nerve to hang out with me in the last few weeks, you would know that everyday I have become increasingly more negative and pessimistic. I know. I sound like a bundle of joy. Yet, I lay awake every night and wonder why? Why don't I have any girlfriends? I know. It sounds so very Jr. High of me. But I have realized that girls will be Jr. High, no matter how old they are. Girls will get their feelings hurt, they will hold grudges, they will form cliques, and they will gossip. And it's not fun.

Lately, it hasn't been girls that has been my problem. It's been my job. I don't know if anyone watches the news, listens to the radio, or participates in any sort of conversation, but it appears that teachers are horrible people who do horrible things and are intent on brainwashing their students. Most normal people, (and by "normal" I mean people who do not have control issues, over-sensitive career issues, or an overwhelming fear of being mediocre), can brush it off, saying, "Whatever. You don't know. You're not here." That's what a sane person does. I, on the other hand, am not sane, nor am I normal.

I have, as I alluded to earlier, severe control issues. I want to control everything, which is why, up to this point, a teacher was a great fit for me. I was like an independent contractor. My students entered my room, and they were mine. I controlled the pace, what we did that day, and the atmosphere of my classroom. As long as it was just me and my students, I was happy. Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like that anymore. I feel like I'm getting told what to do by my administration (which, I do realize, they have every right to), the parents (again, they have every right to), and talking heads on TV (which they have no right to). I feel like any dominion I once had is slowly depleting. For someone like me, the loss of control is equivalent to the loss of all mental capacity. And suddenly, I don't feel competent. I feel mediocre. And I am the type of person who needs to be good at something.

I can't stay home with my daughter. It's not an accusation, it's not a complaint; it is a matter of fact. I can't right now. As a result, I realize I can't be 100% mom. I also can't be 100% wife, because I'm not home. So, as a result, I have always tried to be 100% teacher. I would spend hours planning lessons, grading papers, and trying to help students. So this loss of control now takes the one thing I felt I was really good at, and it pulls the rug out from under me, and I'm not handling it very well.

I lash out at my students, I have thrown food at the TV, and I have composed very rude letters to people like Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Rod Arquette. But the reality is nothing I do will change anything. Parents aren't going to stop fighting for their kids (even if they're wrong), and the administration isn't going to stop giving me hoops to jump through. Teachers are always going to take the brunt of society's ills, no matter what I feel or say or write. So as a result, I have internalized everything. Every complaint is a complaint against me. Every article about the education system is an article about me. Every bad thing that happens is about me. Of course it isn't true, and logically I know that, but the little fat Jr. High girl inside me doesn't, and unfortunately, she is the one who has the reins right now.

I realized this weekend that things are bad because I feel bad. I feel bad. Glenn Beck didn't make me feel bad. My administration didn't make me defensive. I did. I feel bad, so I act bad, and it's no body's fault but my own. I also realize that there is a genetic thing going on here, as well as a Sarah-Is-Not-Normal thing. And I also realize there is only one way out of this crap-hole I've dug for myself.

And no, it's not laughing at everyone I think is dumb. That only makes me feel better for like, 5 minutes. It's not mocking those who put "facility social" instead of "faculty social" on our calendar, although that did make me feel better for a little bit.

Instead, I am going to start trying to find something good that happened every day. Or things that I am thankful for. Because feeling wounded and attacked pretty much sucks. So. For today:

GOOD STUFF:

• I saw one of my former students at Subway today and found that he's not a transvestite, nor is he dying of AIDS. He is perfectly happy and productive (that sounds morbid, but for some reason, some of my very favorite students are now transvestites. Crazy. I know)
• Joe called me. It wasn't anything great--just to make sure he picked up the right kind of contact solution, but he called me. It's nice.
• My students had quite and insightful discussion. Some of their analysis (what's the plural of that word?) were really quite in depth.
  

THANKFUL FOR:

• I'm thankful that my Grandpa died. I know that, again, sounds morbid, but he needed to die. He was 97 years old, had Alzheimer's, and couldn't see or hear. He wanted to die. I'm glad he did because now he's happy with all his brothers and his first wife. Also, because my grandpa died, my mom was able to stay home and help with the funeral. Sounds weird, but my mom needed to take a few days off of work, yet nothing but and act of God could make her do it. Enter God.
• Alice. Sometimes, when I really hate my job, I look around at my students and think, "I could be home. People like me there." And, even though it's a horrible thing to think, it's essentially true. I don't ever offend Alice. And even if I offend Joe, he doesn't cut me off and refuse to hang out with me. He just tells me I offended him, and I apologize, because I never mean to offend him. Funny thing about me: I have never intentionally offended anyone. Don't get me wrong. I've offended plenty of people in my day. When you're blessed (or cursed) with the talent of speaking your mind and have a knack for uncontrollable brutal honesty, it happens. But I never intend to hurt people. I actually really like people.
  
• I'm thankful that we are getting a large tax return this year. I get to buy a bed for me, a bed for Alice, and a new TV for Joe. Sounds extravagant, I know. But after a two years of living without using credit cards, it's really nice to have the money for things we want, as well as things we need. And it's not going to be here forever. So I told Joe we could splurge, just this once. We usually take our returns and put it in savings for baby stuff or for bills, or whatever. Not this time. And I'm really excited.
• Willa Cather and the book O Pioneers! There is nothing better in life than two forbidden lovers getting shot making love under the white mulberry tree. And I'm being totally and completely serious. It's such a grand pay-off for my students. They ended up loving the book, even though they think it's stupid that Marie and Emil die.
• Board games. Joe and I played Ticket to Ride for three hours last night. I lost every game, but it was still fun.
• Hot chocolate. My current craving (I've already gone through my OJ stage, my bean burrito stage, and my donut stage. It's time for something warm, like steamy, melty, marshmallow-y hot chocolate.)
• That I can feel my little baby kick and somersault inside me. I don't like the zits, the continual tears, and the ever-expanding waistline, but when I am laying in bed at night, and I can put my hands on my belly and feel movement, it makes me happy.

That's it for today folks. You can always count on me to be depressing, I know that. But maybe you can start counting on me to find ways to be happy, too.