Are We There Yet?

Up until now I have been relatively quiet about everything that has been going on with Joe and me. I have hinted now and then to our fertility struggles, but I have kept most of the details quiet. Mostly this was because I don’t like the questions, I don’t like having to explain everything to everyone a million times, I don’t like people who are pregnant to feel like they can’t be excited for their own babies (just for the record, the more babies around that I can hold, the better :) ) and I don’t like people telling me how sorry they are. It makes me cry, and I don’t like crying for myself in front of people. But I know everyone is curious as a result of my cryptic hints, and I have selfishly allowed my dear best friend, Kristin, to answer everyone’s questions. So here’s the latest.

Joe and I both struggle with fertility issues. It took us four different doctors and a year and half to feel like we had answers; we had just figured that a few ovulation inducing drugs would fix me. The drugs were not fun, but I dealt with the hot flashes and the mood swings (actually Joe dealt with those) with what I consider some grace, and we decided we would begin Intra Uterine Insemination.

A lot of people get IUI mixed up with IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). The difference is that IVF is where the doctors extract the egg from the ovary and fertilize it in a Petri dish and then implant the healthy, fertilized embryos back into the uterus and hope for implantation. This procedure costs anywhere between $10,000 - $30,000. IUI, which is what Joe and I decided to try, is when the husband’s sperm is injected into the fallopian tubes with a syringe in a five minute procedure. It’s relatively painless (unless the nurse isn’t careful with those long beak-like things that open your cervix…OUCH!), and runs about $280.00 a pop.

Well, we’re not stupid. The money sounded much nicer with the IUI. At this point, I had stopped taking my medication because we were taking a short break, but I continued to have my period on a (semi) regular basis. I was thrilled because our chances of pregnancy without ovulation inducing drugs were higher (this is because Clomid reduces the quality of the egg. Normally, when you’re creating babies the old fashioned way, it’s not a problem. But with the insemination, the egg quality is an issue). So, with my periods regular, and some money saved up, we decided to move forward.

We did one insemination in February, then when it didn't work, we did a couple procedures to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked (they shoot dye up inside you. Not fun). We finally tried for a second time at the end of May. We hadn't had success yet, but we weren't discouraged. It is very rare to get pregnant the first few tries of IUI. We were getting ready to try again on Tuesday, (this week), but I felt that something was wrong. I was on cycle day 24. This is not normal. I called the nurse and asked her about it, and she wanted me to go in immediately to see what was going on.

To make a long story short, apparently I haven’t been ovulating, even though I have been having my period. I can’t figure that one out and the doctors don’t know, either. Obviously, this wasn’t working. So we had to decide how aggressive we wanted to get. Joe and I discussed it a long time ago that we would go as far as we could without IVF. I have heard that egg extraction is not a pleasant experience, and I don’t know if I really want to go through all of that.

So here’s the current decision: Once my period starts, I am going to start taking a different ovulation inducing drug called Femara (it’s actually for breast cancer, but the side effect is ovulation) for days 3-7 of my cycle. Then I am going to be giving myself FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections until day 12. This will cause my body to produce several follicles and allow them to grow until they are right for fertilization. Then on day 12, I will start going into the doctor’s office for blood tests and ultra sounds to see when the eggs are ready to be released. There is no telling how many times I will need to go in before it’s time. Then, when they doctor decides that the eggs are “ripe,” then I will give myself an HsG injection, which causes the eggs to be released from the ovary in exactly 36 hours, which is when I will go in AGAIN and be inseminated. It's a very long, time consuming process. And frustrating.

Here’s the scary thing: Ever heard of John and Kate plus 8? Know how they have sextuplets (that’s six babies at once)? Guess what fertility procedures they did? Yeah. The chances for multiples are very high. My doctor, who is an active LDS member, stops cycles if there are more than 3 babies. Thank goodness. So, if this works, this might be the only time we do this. Joe and I have already decided if we get more than one, then we are done.

So that’s it. That’s what’s going on. I just want to say that our struggles, in the fertility world, are fixable and small. There are options for us, and Joe and I feel strongly that the decisions we have made are the right decisions for us. We are also very optimistic about our prospects at this point. It has been a very hard road, but it’s not a dead end.

Joe said something the other day when I called and told him what was going on: he said, “Well, at least you’re not dying.” That really affected me. I’m not dying. I am a very healthy person, and so is Joe. This is sad, but it’s not the end of the world. When we were first venturing out on this crazy world of hormones and doctors, my dad and the bishop said the same thing, “It’s not the end of the world.”

I wanted to sock them in the nose.

It was the end of my world. But after two years, I realize it’s not. I still have Joe. I still have the gospel. I still laugh at funny things, and I still sing in my car. I’m not dead and the world is still turning. I have decided something within these last two years. I have decided that I have the choice: do I become bitter and feel sorry for myself? Or do I move forward, do what we can do, and enjoy life? I try really hard to be positive, and we try to cheer each other up on the really hard days. It’s a process. But right now we are seeing the end. We are only going to try this a few times. If it works, we will be ecstatic. If is doesn’t? Well….we’ve been there before. If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it is that you have to have a plan, and if that plan doesn’t work out, then you make another one. And when that one doesn’t work out, then you make another and another and another until you find a plan that gets you where you need to go. And once you get there, you don’t mind how many plans were discarded. You’re just glad you’re there.

I think we’re almost there.

I have been writing for the last hour. And it was beautiful. And then I lost everything I had written.

Tag I'm IT

So Emma tagged me, and I think I've already done this one, but no fear. I will do it again for the sake of friendship.

Twenty Years Ago...
1. I was six and getting ready to go to first grade. I don't really remember much about it, but I am sure I was excited. I was a school geek even then
2. I was living in Orem at 1214 N 1160 W and my phone # was 224-6812. Don't ask me how I still know all that.
3. Was trying desperately to play with my older sisters, who were trying desperately to get rid of me.

Ten Years Ago...
1. I had just finished me Sophomore year.
2. I had the biggest crush of my life, (an utter waste of time, and one of the biggest regrets of my life. Poor Emma. She had to hear all about it. I am sincerely and utterly sorry!)
3. I was living in Lehi. Lame. I know, but I can't think about anything that happened back then that didn't relate to #2. Pathetic. I know, I know. Remember how I said it was the bigget regret of my life?

Five Years Ago
1. I was taking some summer courses at UVSC so I could graduate in the spring of 2004.
2. I was starting to get really nervous for student teaching
3. I was attending the single's branch in Lehi--some of the best fun I ever had.

Three Years Ago
1. I was engaged, and counting down the days to my wedding! YAY! We even had a paper chain hanging across my cabinets for the countdown.
2. I had just finished my first year of teaching.
3. I was living in my condo, that I bought all on my lonesome the previous December. And I was kicking out my old roommate for my new one.

One Year Ago
1. I finished my third year of teaching at Lehi High
2. We went to Seattle for a week and ate at Iver's, the best seafood I've ever had in my life!
3. We got baby news that changed our lives forever

So far this year...
1. We are trying to have a baby--now with better chances than ever! Things are looking up.
2. I attended a conference in Park City that got me really excited about teaching.
3. I have not entirely enjoyed my calling with the 11 year old scouts.

Yesterday...
1. I slept in until 9:00
2. I did the dishes and folded laundry
3. I watched So You Think You Can Dance and rewound the Workaholic/Wife dance to the Leona Lewis song like fifity-twelve times. I LOVE DVR.

Today...
1. I just woke up
2. I have to go to weight watchers and weigh in. I am really scared because I ate so much of the yummy catered food last week in Park City.
3. I have to go to the gym...again. Why did Rory have to get married right now?
4. The results show for So You Think You Can Dance!!!

Tomorow...
1. I have to go the gym.
2. I should probably unpack from Park City
3. Is Friday! That means a whole weekend with Joe. And I will also have to start getting ready for the Lehi Roundup Saturday morning parade (it's become a tradition with my family. Joe even changed his work schedule because he wanted to go so bad. He's cute!)

In the next year...
1. I (hopefully) will finally get pregnant! (cross your fingers and say some prayers!)
2. The new high school will get finished and Lehi High will split and finally get some relief!
3. Start looking for houses, probably in Sandy or Riverton. If I had it my way, we would be going to Idaho or Montana...Sigh.

I tag...no one. Almost everyone I know has done this tag, so....you can do if if you want.

The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood

So, as promised, I finished reading The Robber Bride a few days ago, and here is the reveiw.

First off, let me just say that I have only read two of Margaret Atwood's books, the aforementioned Handmaid's Tale, and now The Robber Bride. Atwood's style is very fluid, but not overly done. There is a lot of description, but not to the point where I get lost in it (most of the time). Ms. Atwood has this weird thing with words, though. For example, in Handmaid's Tale, the main character is constantly deconstructing words until they no longer have meaning. And in this book, one of the main characters, Tony (Antonia Fremont) is ambidexterous, so she reads words backwards. She calls herself Tmonerf Ynot. A little strange. But it's interesting. And this Atwood woman has a creepy ability to accuratly pin point the future. For example, near the beginning of the book, one of the characters, Roz, asks Tony if what she thinks about the war in Iraq (the setting is Canada in early 1990s--she's referring the Gulf War, not this war...whatever this one is about). Tony's response is that that long term consquences will in all eventuality lead to the downfall of the nation. Although I won't go so far as to say that our country is currently seeing a downfall, there is quite the economic strain...anyway, back the book.

So there are four main characters the book focuses around, all women. There is Tony, who is a Professor of History, specializing in battles and war. The description of Tony in the book reminds me of that lady on The Incredibles--you know, the one who makes the outfits? Or even that lady who with the really bad haircut who used to play one of the judges on The Practice. I'll see if I can find a picture. Found one. This is how I pictured Tony.
Anyway, that's Tony. Then, there is Charis (pronounced care-is), formerly knows as Karen. In the heighth of the hippy movement, Karen became Charis. She is a very Pheobe/Darma hippy-dippy person. Her story is the most...dark. Then there is Roz, a very large woman who is very loud, and very rich. Finally, there is Zenia. the one woman that brings all these other women together. It is because of Zenia that all of these women are friends, and it is Zenia whom all of these women hate.

The book begins with the women in a very strange bar for lunch, The Toxique. It is there that Tony, Charis, and Roz meet approximately once a month to discuss...whatever. More recently how glad they all are that Zenia is dead. And then, right in the midst of celebrating this woman's death (she's been dead about 5 years), Zenia walks in the door of The Toxique. It floors them. They leave. And then they all go home. And then the book begins.

The first story we hear about is Tony's, how she met and fell in love with her husband, how she was the first to be sucked into Zenia's spell, and Zenia hurt her. Then we move to Charis's story: her childhood, her mother, her grandmother, what happened to make her the way she is, her life with her live-in boyfriend, and her friendship with Zenia. And how Zenia ruined her life. And then we move on to Roz, her marriage, her youth, her college days, and her friendship with Zenia. And how Zenia ruined Roz's husband. And then the end.

The ending is about how each of these women cope with this force, this woman who exists only in kinky spy movies, this woman who seems to know everyone's vulnerability, a woman who uses and discards without a thought. A woman who is both abhorred and irresistable to men and women alike for reasons which are unknown. Zenia is an enigma.

I was totally engaged in this book. Even though I got lost in a lot of Tony's war babble, I found myself being sucked in, and almost sympathetic to Zenia, but I was even more committed to Tony, Charis (even though she was very strange) and Roz. Three women who were of the baby boom, came to adulthood in the sixties, and have lived through Zenia to tell the tale. I would say that this book is one of the really good, intellectual books that I have read so far, but it was still entertaining. My brain has kind of shut off right now, so I bet there was a lot of symbolism, extra meaning, and sense to be made out of this book that I have missed, but even with out all of that literary nonsense, the book was just good entertainment. I recommend it. But, like I said last time. A few F words here and there, medium sexual content, and adult themes. Probably a PG-13. But very, very good.

Paranoia...or Prophecy?

So lately I have not been doing much except sitting around and reading...which might sound like the enth degree of hell to most people, but I have come out of this very relaxed--even if does ruin my vision.

I have read two books in the past two weeks, which is actually pretty slow for me. I must be getting slower in my old age. The first book I read was called Feed. I read this for a very specific reason. I have this kooky idea that I might want to do a futuristic fiction unit with my English 11 Honors students next year, taking a page from a class I took in college. The class was titled, "Futuristic Fiction: Paranoia or Prophecy?" In all honesty, the class did little else but scare the sh** out of me. We read fiction that was set in the future; all stories were in communities where the government had tried to perfect society by using a number of frightening devices, most frightening of which was brain washing. We read A Brave New World, 1984, The Time Machine, The Handmaid's Tale, Frankenstein, and a few others that I didn't get to. Then, this professor (a beatnik-poet-version of Bruce Willis--I had a slight crush on him), who was an extremely dynamic lecturer, would flood us with articles from Newsweek, Time, and the newspaper of instances that were parallel to these dystopian societites that we were reading about. It was a very harrowing hour and a half. Several times I left convinced that we were being brainwashed on every side, that 9/11 was a scam by the government to get the idotic, patriotic citizens to voluntarily forfeit their constututional rights (just like in Handmaid's Tale), and that the Pledge of Allegiance is actually a governmental ploy to brainwash all of us into a flag-waving frenzy. And I was further convinced that we didn't realize this was happening to all of us, becuase the government was feeding the media all of this "we have to be beautiful to matter" propganda to get us sidetracked and to believe that beauty is the only thing that mattered in the world. It was an intense class. In fact, one day, after a very heated discussion of A Brave New World, where the people in this society were bred to be beautiful, and anytime anyone questioned anything other than the newest fashion trend they were given a shot of feel-good meds, and were obsessed with sex, I left class only to go to a friend's house to watch American Idol. The first thing I saw on the screen was a gelled Ryan Sechrest with a shirt that read "Beauty Qualifies Me." I began to hyperventilate.

Anyway, the point is, the class sincerely scared me, and apparently left an impact. Why wouldn't I want to freak my students out? So I think I'm going to talk about perfect socities, and all that jazz, complete with a chopped down reading of Plato's Republic. I want the students to read YA literature in the same vein, so I was trying to develope a list of dystopian books. After a short Google search, I found Feed. So, like any good teacher, I read it first.

I was apalled. And I don't apall easily. F-word here, F-word there, the story was disjointed, and the characters were deplorable. The sad thing was, I could picture any number of my students sounding and acting like these teens. Anyway, the book was gross. I don't recommend it, unless you are already VERY desistized--I thought I was. Aparently not. Anway, I was going to write about the other book I read, but I got off on a tangent...the other book, The Robber Bride, is really good. A few F words there, but not excessive, and not gratuitous. I'll leave that book review next time.

"You and me, we have that wordsmith thing in common" Name that show...

So right now I have this crazy obsession with Jason Mraz. Who is Jason Mraz? Well, probably the best kept secret in the world, says I. I discovered Jason Mraz totally by accident about six or seven years ago when his one and only hit “Remedy” came out. I remember listening to it and thinking, “Holy crap, this guy sings fast.” Not a common reaction. Sings fast. What’s that? Well, my friends, give me your ears.

Jason Mraz’s style is epitomized in his single that came out a couple of years ago, “Word Play”:

I’ve been all around the world
I’ve been a new sensation
but it doesn’t really matter in this ge-generation
the sophomore slump is an uphill battle
and someone they said they knew my scene
cause you need a new song like a new religion
music for the television I can’t do the long division
someone do the math Cause the record label
Put me on the shelf up in the freezer
Got to find another way
To live the life of leisure
So I drop my top, mix and a mingle
Is everybody ready for the single…

Okay, so first glance, not that ground breaking. But listen to the song. Go Ahead. Try to sing along. I dare you. The thing I like most about the Mr. A-Z is that he is a master wordsmith. What do I mean by a wordsmith? Simply that his talent with words is quite breathtaking. Look at the above passage: alliteration, internal rhyme, end rhyme, slant rhyme, and tongue twisters—all before the chorus. Amazing.

Let’s talk about alliteration a little. First of all, the definition of alliteration is the repetition of sounds. (I used alliteration in the first sentence of this paragraph. Tricky.) Alliteration is a very important literary device because literature is all about sounds. I know that doesn’t seem right, since most of us view reading as a solitary, relatively quiet experience. But think about this: what is your head doing when you are reading? It’s making quite the racket. You’ve got words and sounds of words, you’ve got images, and you’ve got imagined sounds and accents bouncing around in there. It’s a party! Good writers aren’t so much about writing, good writers are about sound. I’ve heard it said that the reason why the F. Scott Fitzgerald was so great was because he had a wonderful ear. I haven’t heard anyone say, “He was such a great writer—you should have seen the way he held that pencil!”

One aspect of great writing is called “Voice”—the ability to hear the author as you read her writings. I hate to toot my own horn but…well, I’m not good at a lot of things, but voice is my speciality. Anyway, let’s back to my good friend, Jason Mraz. Look at his use of alliteration: “sophomore slump,” “someone said they knew my scene,” “live the life of leisure,” “mix and a mingle,” and I could go on. But I won’t. Here’s why alliteration is great: because humans love repetition. WE LOVE IT. Don’t believe me? What do you do every morning? I bet you do the same thing every morning. What songs do you listen to? I bet all of them have a snappy melody that repeats itself. What is your favorite food? I bet you eat it over and over again. Yep. We love repetition, and the poet (or songwriter) who can masterfully incorporate repetition of sound is…well, they’re good. Why else is alliteration great? It makes things sound pretty. Lines glide, roll, revel and swirl around your tongue before launching and tickling your ears.

Now, rhyme. Big deal, right? I mean, everyone knows how to rhyme (Not true. Joe doesn’t. I used to think he was just jerking my chain, but the more I got to know him, I understand why he can’t totally identify rhyme: he can’t carry a tune, and he can’t find the beat. Rhyme is all about the ear). Yeah. But internal rhymes like this? I don’t know many people who do it. What’s internal rhyme? Easy. It’s words that rhyme with each other within the same line of verse, rather than just at the end. Why is it cool? Again, easy. Listen to it. It flows, baby. “New song like a new religion, music for the television, I can’t do the long division.” Say it. Try breaking it up to sound choppy. You can’t, can you. Very, very cool indeed.

And what about end rhyme? Well, that’s a rhyme at the end of a line. This is not a big deal—right, Dr. Seuss? I think the genius of that rhyme is obvious in the above passage. And slant rhyme? This is my favorite type of rhyme (yes, I do have a favorite type of rhyme. I know. But Joe collects rocks) because it takes a lot of ingenuity and creativity to accomplish it. Slant rhyme is where words don’t really rhyme in real life, but the ear thinks it does. For example: Religion and television. Not exact, is it. But the sounds are close enough that the ear doesn’t notice. Didn’t think you could trick your own ear, did ya (this is FABULOUS STUFF)!

And on top of all that, try to sing along! You really have to listen and pay attention to sing his songs. They are catchy, clever, and some of them are quite beautiful. I am currently addicted to his second album, Mr. A-Z, and a third was just released called We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things. I don’t have that one yet, but you can bet that as soon as I have a little extra pocket money, I will be making my way to FYE to enjoy more literary wonder. (If you’re interested, a few of my Mraz faves are “You and I Both,” “Did you Get My Message,” “Mr. Curiosity,” “Forecast,” “Clockwatching,” and “Please Don’t Tell Her.” A-MAAAA-zing!)

What's Up? I'm Really Going to Tell You

What's up? How are you? Standard questions, right? It's what we ask people when we haven't seen them for a while, or even if we have seen them, and we're just starting a conversation. But we don't really expect an answer when we ask, do we? Let's be honest. We really don't care. When I ask parents and Parent/Teacher Conference how they are, I don't really want to know about their divorce or their struggles with their youngest. I don't care. I want them to say fine, so I can go on and shatter that illusion.

That's why it would have been odd of for me to tell a friend from an old single's ward whom I ran into yesterday that I started my period ( I didn't do it, in case that wasn't clear). Picture it:
"Hey, Sarah, I haven't seen your for a while."
"Me neither! What's going on with you?"
"Oh, I just moved to Draper. What's up with you?"
"Oh I just started my period and I am really excited."
Weird.
First of all, this response fits into the category of TMI (too much information). Second, who's excited for her period? Not normal people. But I have this urge to tell everyone that I am currently surfing the crimson. Why?

Because what's really up, and how I am really doing is a very long story, which very few people know. Most people know that Joe and I have been trying for about two years to have a baby. We have been hellaciously unsuccessful. Statistics show that about 40% of infertility is female related, 40% is male related, and 20% is both. Guess who's in the 20%? (Our exact diagnosis is, quite frankly, no one's business). I believe we have received the worst news that someone in our situation could imagine hearing; however, there is a small glimmer of hope in our quest to become pregnant, and Joe and I feel that this is the road that we should take, and we are pretty confident it will work. It just depends on my having a period regularly. And currently, I am holding strong at a 36 day cycle (which seems long to most people, but extremely short when you're used to a 66 day cycle). So, now you can see why the intense cramps that had me in the fetal position during my prep hour was good news, and you can understand why on Sunday, when the Relief Society president asked if anyone had anything to share, I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't blurt out, "I'm having intense cramps and bleeding like a slaughtered pig! YES!" (I am imagining saying "Yes" with an enclosed fist and an elbow at a right angle jabbing into my side in a very After-School-Special way). So in a couple of weeks, we will officially try again. Keep your fingers crossed, and if anyone thinks of it, prayers would be great.

What else is going on? I have gained ten pounds and I can't wear any of the summer clothes I bought last year. Not as exciting as starting my period, by the way. And my brother is getting married in ten weeks. The marriage is great news--we are really excited for that part. It's just the photography aspect I am not looking forward to. Yarley is pregnant, so she will have an excuse to look bloated. I don't. So what's up? I am dieting and exercising in the futal attempt to lose AT LEAST ten pounds before July. I know that sounds easy. One pound a week, right? Wrong. And this goes back to the baby thing. My body has a problem with losing weight. The effort to lose ten pounds for me is about the same amount of effort it takes my mom to lose twenty-five pounds. No quite fair. But I'll try my best. Maybe by July I will be pregnant and can blame my rotund new look on (what would be) the pea-sized organism floating around like a sea monkey. One can only hope!

So here's to losing weight, and here's to celebrating the disgusting feeling that is my period!