What It's Like Grading Papers: A Play in Two Scenes

Cast: 

• Person #1

• Person #2

• John Doe

• Person #3

Person #1 is sitting at a desk, writing something. Person #2 Enters with a John Doe

Person #2: Hi!

Person #1: Hi.

Person #2 shoves John Doe in front so Person #1 sees them clearly. John Doe smiles and waves. Person #1 waves back hesitantly.

Person #2: John Doe is a huge deal in Japan. 

Person #1: O-oh. Okay.

Person #2: In fact, he earned a nickname 

Person #1: Wait a second. I don’t know what you’re talk—

Person #2: [talking over Person #1]  this nickname was the John to end all Johns or so they 

thought. 

Person #1: Who’s John again? And who Is ‘they’?

Person #2: First I’ll talk about what John Doe is and his history

John Doe waves

Person #1: Wait, I thought he was a person. And why are you telling me this again? 

Person #2: Then I’ll talk about the terms. 

Person #1: Terms? Of what? Wait—how do you know this guy? 

Person #2: Then I’ll talk about the negative effects of John Doe. 

Person #1: Negative effects? That sounds bad. I don’t really think I’m interested. And I’m really confused. No thanks. 

Person #2: John Doe was alive when it happened. 

Person #1: What happened? Is he not alive now?  I still don’t know who this guy is. 

Person #2: The result of John Doe was the mistreatment of the Aliens of Zurg by the protestants. 

Person #1: Wait. Protestants? Aren’t the Mayflower people? And who are the aliens of Zurg? And I still don’t know why this guy is here. 

John Doe smiles and waves again. 

Person #2: So, as you can see, John Doe is essential to the formalization of their Gun Control laws. 

Person #1: What? Who’s Gun Control Laws? And what happened to the aliens? And I still have no idea why this guy is standing here. 

John Doe smiles and waves again. 

Person #2: And this is why John Doe is big in Japan. Thank you. 

Person #2 leaves the room. John Doe smiles and waves at Person #1 again. 

Person #1: Wait! You left this guy here! I don’t know what to do with him! [Pause. She looks at John Doe.] I still don’t know who you are. 

Scene II

Person #1 is still sitting at the desk. This time, person #1’s hair is messy, her makeup is smeared, and there’s several cans of Diet Coke littered all around and it’s late at night. Person #3 enters with John Doe, dressed the same as before. 

Person #1: Oh no, not this guy again. This is gonna be rough. [tries to sip from an empty coke can].  I’m gonna need another Diet Coke. I wish I could get drunk.

Person #3: In 1919, the world was in a horrible war, the likes of which had never been seen before. 

Person #1: Oh yeah. I’ve heard about this. 

Person #3: After many years of exhausting and terrifying battle, the world countries created John Brown, the bearer of peace. 

John Doe waves and smiles. During this time, and throughout Person #3’s dialogue, John Doe reacts much like a model when the runway commentator describes what a model’s wearing. John Doe should continue his poses and actions throughout the rest of the scene, based on what is being said. 

Person #1: Oooooh. You’re that John Doe. Yes, I’m with you. Continue. 

Person #3:   Since this was the first time a war of this scope had been seen in the history of the world, John Doe has gone down in history as the most influential peacemaker, despite some of his flaws. This influence has rightly earned him the nickname of “The John to End all Johns.” 

Person #1: Oh, that’s what that means. Maybe I won’t just pretend to care this time. Tell me more.

Person #3: Okay. First, I’ll talk about why John Doe was needed

Person #1: Makes sense. Yes, I see why we would start there. 

Person #3: Then, we’ll talk about what John Doe actually did.

Person #1: Naturally. Continue.

Person #3: Finally, we’ll talk about the unintended consequences of John Doe. 

Person #1: Yeah. That’s a much better word choice. Much less threatening. 

10 minutes later

Person #3: As you can see, John Doe influenced the way the world understood foreign relations. And even though he is blamed for the treatment of the Aliens of Zurg, the world was able to learn from John Doe. Many decisions that influence war today stem from John Doe, which is why we can all agree that John Doe deserves his nickname, “the John to end all Johns.”

John Doe bows and exits to room. 

Person #1: [claps and wipes away tears] Wow. That was great. Mostly false, but still. At least I knew what you were talking about. Great job. Now if you could just figure out how to use a semi-colon, you would be golden. 

Person #3: Wow! Thanks! How’d I do? 

Person #1: Like I said. Really great. 

Person #3: So…

Person #1: So….?

Person #3: So… you said I did really well. 

Person #1: Yeah?

Person #3: So… do I get the million dollars? 

Person #1: Oh that! Yeah, sorry about that. Um, no, you don’t. 

Person #3: What? Why? I totally deserve it. 

Person #1: Yeah, well, see, I stopped seeing John Doe-s at 8:00. I sent out a notice. 

Person #3: But, it’s only 9:00. 

Person #1: Yeah, I meant 8:00 AM.

Person #3: Oh. But, still, it’s only like, 13 hours late. 

Person #1: Oh, yeah. 8 AM six months ago. I’m looking at John Lennon-s, now. 

Person #3: [stands in silence blinking for a while with mouth open.] Buuuuut. I demonstrated I can do it. 

Person #1: Well, sure. You can now. But I was looking for John Doe-s then. Not now. Look, I would really love to explain to you how time works, but it’s getting really late and caffeine has lost its power. I would also love to give you the million dollars, but it’s gone. You missed your chance. And, if we’re going to be honest, your John Doe was good, but it wasn’t a million dollars good. I mean, you were mostly wrong. And half of it was an obvious copy from someone else. You didn’t even make him look different. 

Person #3: I’m telling my mom you said that. That’s racist. [stomps out and slams the door]

Person #1: [to herself] I don’t think that’s what that means. Yeah. I need to be drunk.

THE END

 

This is Why. This is How.

Once in a great while, while I am doing nothing of importance--I was making grilled cheese for my kids today--I am struck with the urge to open up a book that I haven't opened in a while. Today, my urge was to pull out one of my two copies of This Nation Shall Endure by Ezra Taft Benson, the Prophet I barely remember when I got baptized.

I have two copies of this book. Once upon a time, my mom got in a frenzy about it being out of print (because it was) and put herself on the Sam Weller waiting list for any copy. She bought four, and I inherited two because The Fourth of July has always been my favorite holiday and I have always been fascinated with the likes of Washington, Jefferson, Adams, and the founding of America. Now, that frenzy seems a little silly, because Amazon has reprinted copes and even old printings with the fancy pictures. But Amazon didn't exist at the time we were both going through our Research-America-Phase in the early 2000s (PS: My mom's phase passed. Mine didn't).

Anyway, I'm making grilled cheese, thinking about this upcoming weekend, and I have this thought, I should probably pull that book out and skim it. To be honest, I've tried to read this book every July since 2001. And I have never gotten past the first section. And this is not a big book, people. It just gets kind of boring after that first really interesting section.

But, when your random thoughts tell you to do something easy, you should probably do it. This time, instead of reading from the beginning, I started flipping to the back until I landed at this paragraph on page 128:

“This prophecy states that the Indian would first be afflicted. What was the nature of that affliction? Before the white man came to this continent, North America was almost totally free from infectious disease. There was no smallpox, no measles, no mumps, no choler, no diphtheria or tuberculosis. It was only after the white man came that the Indian contracted these diseases. Smallpox was the most deadly of these afflictions. More Indians succumbed to smallpox than fell casualty in all their wars with the United States. The Cheyennes lost half their tribe from smallpox. The Mandans were almost exterminated. The Cress, it is said, lost several thousand. A quarter of the Pawnees were killed by the epidemic, and estimates of deaths among the Blackfoot run as high as eight thousand.”

Okay. So what? Why would I randomly be prompted to find this passage when I could be enjoying grilled cheese and red, white, and blue Oreos (because they have those! Yum!) Patience, Grasshopper. Do your English Teacher thing.

Okay. So, my first English Teacher instinct is to find the antecedent for that pesky pronoun. “This prophecy…” What prophecy? I had to back up a bit, and I found that Pres. Benson had quoted a prophecy, “I have caused my people who are of the house of Israel to be smitten, and to be afflicted, and to be slain, and to be cast out from among [the Gentiles], and to become hated by them, and to be a hiss and byword among them” (emphasis added).

Ouch. That’s quite the prophecy. Who made that one? Turns out, Jesus did. In 3 Nephi 16:9, when Christ visited the Lamanites, he prophesied about their destruction.

Again, so what? Well, history repeats itself. Once a righteous, chosen people were led out of a wicked land to a new land--one that was to be a land of liberty. Then, because of wickedness, the people became afflicted and then destroyed.

Ah. I was beginning to see some things that had been percolating in my mind recently, what with all the 2020 crappiness and then reading the Book of Mormon with my family every night. Thoughts were starting to congeal. But not completely.

Continuing with (then) President of the Quorum of the Twelve, Elder Benson;

“Later, thousands of Indians died of respiratory diseases brought by low resistance to white man’s diseases. This was the period when pneumonia and tuberculosis took such a toll that the Indians were called the ‘vanishing Americans’”

Um… respiratory diseases, you say? *cue Twilight Zone music*

President Benson goes on to remind the reader that after the Indians were afflicted with disease, the prophecy of them being "slain" continues to be fulfilled. I think we all know about the Cowboys and the Indians mythos. Pres. Benson states that “between 1800 and 1860, it is estimated the Indian population decreased from one million to 44,000.”

The last part of the prophecy is that the Indians would be “cast out from among” the Gentiles. And wouldn't you know it. Anybody visited a Rez lately? No? Me neither.

Wow. Sometimes it’s hard to point out prophecies and their direct fulfillment, but this one is quite easy.

So. My first reaction when I read this was: Oops. We did it again.

Then, again, the question: So what? So, this is why. This is how. And you know what matters.

I have been reading A LOT of news and A LOT of books and listening to A LOT of speeches and interviews and...everything. I think I've been looking for the answer to the question that I am seeing in the eyes peeking above every mask I meet.

I think this moment was an answer to a prayer I didn't know I was praying: WHY?

This is Why. This is How.

A blessed people, a chosen people, a people who are guided to this land by God’s hand (I mean Columbus, Pilgrims, etc) were covenanted with God that, if they were righteous and continually repented, a church would be established on the land (3 Nephi 21:22), and they would be blessed, just like the people of Nephi and Lehi. They would be blessed and become very prosperous (In case you haven’t noticed, we are the most free, the most wealthy nation in the world). And, pride, just like a great Nephite and Lamanite Nation before us, is our fall.

We are watching, simultaneously, the affliction of disease, the killing of the citizenry, and eventually, I think, the ideals of liberty, freedom, and righteousness will be cast out. We are watching the fall of a prideful people, and we are falling in the same way that the people of this land did, not too long past.

So what do we do? I got that answer, too. You know what matters.

I know, could you BE any more cryptic? Here's what I think that means. I don’t know that there’s anything to do other than what the apostles and prophets have told us: teach the gospel in your home. Have a relationship with your Savior. Hear him. 

When I am on Twitter too much, I start to lose it, so I start praying about what to do or what to believe, this is the thought that keeps scrolling on the endless ticker-tape of my mind: the only thing that matters is what you know about yourself and what God knows about you. This is what I've been hearing lately. 

And what God knows about me, and I'm pretty sure he knows it about you, too, is that I'm trying, dammit. I'm trying to be a good person and a good mom and a good wife and to be nice to myself. And I am always a failure at reaching those goals, but I'm trying, and I have to trust that, in the end, I will get there. And it will be enough. I know what I believe. I know that HE knows what I believe. And that's all that matters.

1 Nephi Chapter 5: In Which We Discover a Purpose

I haven't blogged for a long time, because as someone who enjoys writing, but is also a little bit of a perfectionist, it takes me quite a long time to come up with a blog post that I'm happy with. I like a post to have my voice in it, my sense of humor, and my style. Sometimes I can write and it just flows; it's perfect. But more often than not, my style emerges after many, many drafts and revisions. 

Sometimes I just don't want to take the time. But I want to start posting insights I have about what I'm reading in the scriptures, simply because... I don't really know why I've started this. I've just had this, I don't know, this something that makes me think it would be a good idea. So I'm starting here. Not at the beginning--I'm picking up where I am, and I'll share as I go. These are dry-run posts, meaning they are basically thoughts-on-a-page, without the many hours of revision and nuance that I usually go through to make them entertaining to read. So slog through if you can. And, as always, take it for what it's worth. I'm just someone who read the scriptures and thinks about them.

1 Nephi 5: 1 – 9

The first 9 verses of Chapter 5 in 1 Nephi are about how Sariah is upset at Lehi because she fears she has lost her sons because Lehi is a visionary man. Lehi basically says, “yeah, I know I’m visionary, and a good thing I am, because we’d be stuck there if I weren’t.”

You can understand Sariah’s point of view; we don’t know how long it had been since her sons had left to get the plates. They had a hard time getting access to them, and they probably took quite a while coming back. She was worried. And you can see Lehi’s point of view, as well: Hey, the Lord told me to do it, so I’m going to. Have some faith, woman! It’s a scene of a worried mother blaming her husband for putting her sons in danger. No fear, a few verses later, her boys come off the airplane, safe and sound with stronger testimonies than when they left, with their mission accomplished. She is grateful for their safety, and that they were able to do what the Lord had asked of them, and she apologizes to her husband, and she repents for her momentary lapse of faith.

It’s a short 9 verses, and on initial read, you’re like, “Sariah, have some faith!” but how many times to we, as mothers, panic? Parenthood is not for the weak of heart. We know that Sariah had great faith. For heaven sakes, she packed up the bare necessities and fled her really, really nice home on the word of her husband’s visions. But her kids were the straw that tried her faith, apparently. I think the real story here was that she repented. Because she wasn’t some voiceless woman with no opinion. She was a mom.

She wavered, like we all do, because she was worried about her kids, and then she repented, and she was probably stronger for it. I like Sariah. I get Sariah. She is the silent powerhouse that supported Lehi and watched in pleasure and despair as her sons became leaders and dissenters. She is a fascinating character to me.

1 Nephi 5: 10 - 22

My first insight here is at the end of the scripture, it says, “he searched them from the beginning.” These words made me wonder, did Lehi ever have access to the scriptures prior to this occasion? Laban had these scriptures, remember, and there was no mass production of the Word of the Lord. Laban had them under lock and key. Imagine, Lehi was a prophet of God, prophesying to the people, yet he possibly had never read the scriptures because he simply did not have access to them. I don’t know if Lehi had read them before—I don’t have a source for that, and my thoughts on the subject are just that: thoughts. But, because of the rest of the chapter, and the enthusiasm with which Lehi found his genealogy, and Laban’s genealogy, it makes me think this might be his first time through, and he devoured them and found great joy in identifying his ancestry.

           

My other thoughts are based on the Book of Mormon Institute manual. In that book, it states,

“The value of the Brass Plates to the Nephites cannot be overestimated. By means of them they were able to preserve the language (1 Ne. 3:19), most of the civilization, and the religious knowledge of the people from whence they came… (1 Ne. 22:30):

This is a quote from Mormon Doctrine; you can see the full source citation if you click on the Institute Manual link above. This is a very important statement. This statement reveals the importance of a religious text on a civilization. A religious set of ideals and morals is essential to the preservation of a culture or civilization. Think of any successful civilization, and identify the ideals upon which it stood: It is usually some sort of religious or moral code. The civilizations who were unable to uphold that moral code eventually disintegrated. As we look to our own nation, which was built upon the Judeo/Christian ideals, morals, and doctrine, we see the greatest civilization in the history of the world was built. I get really jazzed about this idea, because I have such a love for the founding of our country for a lot of reasons, one being that it is the best example of words and writing changing the world. But I digress.

The morals of our society are built upon a religious belief. Even if you are not religious, you benefit from having a culture built upon religious mores. The Judeo/Christian belief emphasizes the importance of families, purity, wholesomeness, and goodness. Our government was built upon the idea of a Creator who endowed upon all of humanity rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

In fact, the founders said that these beliefs were “self-evident.” This is old-fashioned for “duh.” It was common knowledge to most of those in the colonies. Because they were a religious people with a belief in a Creator.

We now live in a culture which is increasingly irreligious. Even those who are religious, how often do we read the scriptures? I know my answer is not enough. Yet here, in the first book of the Book of Mormon, we are told the importance of a religious text. Not only does it enlighten the spirit, but it preserves the language and the civilization.

Let’s talk about language for a minute. Language is the method of thought. I remember a friend who learned French for his mission once told me, “I have thoughts in French that I could never have in English, because we don’t have words for them in English.” I have thought about that for a long time. That you can think something that you have never thought before, simply because you have the words for that thought. This proved to me that language controls thought. Those who master the language are very powerful people. People who master language, those who can read it and write it and speak it, have the power to influence the way people think. And thoughts turn into beliefs, and beliefs motivate action. The sticker I have on my laptop is an incredible understatement: Words Matter. Oh, they matter. This blows my mind. Someone I have never met can control my thoughts, just because they control the words.

So how important is it that we learn to use words, and read words, and understand words, and understand how words can be used to inspire, and to teach, but also to manipulate, and to control? And this is what the Lord is telling us through his commandment to Lehi to go back for the plates:

Words matter. Text matters. Story matters. Ancestry matters. It is all so important to preserve our language, our culture, and most importantly, our civilization.

I have been reading a book called The Boy Crisis. It is a book written by two social scientists who have set out to answer the question: Why are our boys struggling? I haven’t read the whole thing, but so far, they have identified a couple reasons why boys are struggling: 1, our boys are purposeless. Because men no longer have a cultural role of providing for women, they feel adrift in a world where, for centuries, a man’s job was to provide and protect. Society has told our boys they aren’t needed anymore. 2, Previously, religion would give boys purpose, and religion can and does filled the purposeless void for boys today: religions define their role as men and gives them direction in a family structure; however, our country is increasingly irreligious. So, boys fill they have no purpose because they are no longer needed to provide and protect women, and two, they have no religious structure to help them identify their purpose in the overall meaning of life, and 3, the increasing rate of fatherlessness, or father figures, leave boys without examples of what it means to be a man.

All of these reasons our boys are struggling can be fulfilled by reading a religious text. The scriptures are filled with men who have purpose outside of providing and protecting. Men in these scriptures rely on the Lord, and serve as examples for our boys. The men in the scriptures are told how to lead families. They are fathers, or learned from their fathers and mother how to be fathers. They are told how important their role in the family is. The scriptures portray men who cry, who pray for their children, who fight for their country, who ask for forgiveness, who sacrifice what they have for something bigger than themselves, and who are kind and compassionate. Without a religious text, these examples of true manliness are lost to civilization. And our boys are suffering because of it, and because our boys are suffering, our families are suffering. And because our families are suffering, our civilization is suffering.

The boy crisis is just one example of how our civilization is not being preserved because of the lack of a religious text. I could name others, but this is the one on my mind right now. Without the scriptures, we begin to lose our culture, our civilization, and our language. This was why retrieving the Brass Plates was so essential to the success of the Nephites. If they wanted to have a prosperous civilization, and to preserve the language and the civilization, they needed the scriptures. If we return to the Institute manual, we get additional insight on this:

“….By way of contrast, the Mulekites, who were led out of Jerusalem some 11 years after Lehi’s departure, and who had no record equivalent to the Brass Plates, soon dwindled in apostasy and unbelief and lost their language, civilization, and religion…”

When will this happen to us, if we do not turn to our religious texts? There is joy in reading the scriptures; scriptures enlighten our spirit and open us up to personal revelation. But, just as important, a religious text helps us understand language, to read it and to write it. It gives a guide for society, how to conduct ourselves and to raise our families. It is a preservation of all that is most important in our country. Scriptures are important not only in our lives, but also essential for our civilization.

Physics, Scriptures, and Why I Won't Weigh Myself.

(Note: I'm really just starting to wrap my mind around all these ideas I'm talking about, so I am sure there are other sources out there that can explain it better, and at the end of my post, I'll list the few I've been reading. And again, I'm not trying to educate anyone or convince anyone or anything.  I'm just explaining my journey and my thinking)

I do no like science--I mean the study of it, not the actual function of science.  I am very glad science works.  And I am equally glad that there are people who want to understand it and work with it. I am not one of these people, and I do not care to become one.

Alas, the public school system forces science upon all of us, and after taking various science classes through elementary school, jr. high, high school, and college, I can honestly say I know very little about science, and I care even less (there's not judgement here. I'm sure those who are scientists and study science view my intense study of The Great Gatsby and Harry Potter equally boring and unimportant, although I did predict the financial collapse in 2008 purely from looking at historical patterns in The Great Gatsby. But I digress).  In all my years of scientific study, I can honestly say I remember and understand only one thing:

Newton's 3rd Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

This is a law, which means it is accepted by almost everyone in the whole of forever to be true. This particular law means that if I throw a basketball on the ground, it will bounce (I'm sure there is someone out there who would give a much more accurate example).

So why does this law mean I won't weigh myself?  I'll get there.  Just stay with me.

This is a widely accepted law of the physical world.  There is no argument about this law, mostly because people can test it for themselves and see it come true.

This law, just as it works in the physical world, also works in the metaphysical (or, as I like to call it, Spiritual) world, except with a little twist.  For every spiritual action, there is a multiplied reaction.  Meaning, every time I put a spiritual act out there in the universe, I will receive it back, only multiplied.  This sounds kooky, I know, and many people just don't believe in all this universe-spirit stuff, but if you think about it, we as a culture kind of have already accepted it.  Think about some of our common sayings: What goes around comes around.  Karma's a bitch. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. This is all based on the idea that for every spiritual action, there is a multiplied reaction.

I believe this. I believe that what we sow we will reap.  So, if this is true, one must ask, okay, then, what qualifies as a spiritual action?  

Prayers. Thoughts. Words. Focus. Fears. Worry. Actions. Complaints. Faith

So, wait, you ask, basically everything I think and do is a spiritual action causing a multiplied reaction? Yep. I know.  Mind blown.  

But think about it.  Ever heard of Murphy's Law?  Basically, anything that can go wrong will go wrong?  Ever asked yourself why that is? It's because people spend their time thinking of everything that can go wrong and worrying about everything that can go wrong.  If you're putting all your time and energy into thinking and worrying about what's wrong, then your going to trigger a what's wrong reaction--only multiplied.

Every heard of "Expect the best but prepare for the worst?" With that approach, how many times have you actually received the best?  In my case, not very often.  Usually because preparing for the worst uses more focus and energy, therefore triggering a bigger return.  

Have you ever decided you wanted to buy a certain kind of car, and then all of a sudden, you see that car everywhere?  You're desire for that car had produced a return of always seeing the car. I know. Newton's Law, my friend.  Or as those granola-kooks out there call it, the Law of Attraction.

Or as all us religion freaks call it, Matthew 21:22: "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."  Now, most of my life, I would read this scripture, and I would automatically think of "prayer" as formal, on your knees, prayer.  But I never considered there were other types of prayer.

Prayer is essentially communication with Heavenly Father.  There is formal prayer, both personal and public, but there is also your every thought.  Heavenly Father knows your heart and your thoughts (Job 21:27; Matthew 9:4; 3 Nephi 28: 6).  If he knows how your feeling and what you're thinking, isn't that communication? And if it's communication, couldn't that be called a prayer? And if so, aren't those informal, sometimes unintentional prayers just as valid as formal, intentinal prayers? Therefore, shouldn't these prayers be subjected to the same promise mentioned above?  

I want to examine that scripture and the wording a little closer.  The first phrase, "and all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer..." What percentage is all? 100%.  ALL things.  Good and Bad.  I can  hear you now, "Wait a minute.  Heavenly Father would never give me bad things on purpose."  Here's what I think, and keep in mind, this is theology according to Sarah, and I have absolutely nothing other than my own faith to back my up on this, so take it for what it's worth: 

This law, ask and ye shall receive, is a law of Heaven, and the law of the Universe.  Heavenly Father and the Savior don't want to give us all the crappy things we are thinking and unconsciously asking for, but they perfectly understand the law of the universe, and know when we focus on crap, we receive crap. So, because They love us, they put in helpers so we can get as many good things as possible.  

1. Scriptures.  How many times does the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, and modern revelation emphasize to have faith, don't rely on the arm of man, have no fear, ask for things that are good, be of good cheer, do kind things to others, follow the will of the Lord, etc?  ALL. THE. TIME. Because they perfectly understand how ask and ye shall receive works, the scriptures are filled-- FILLED, my friends, with admonitions to think good things and do good things and ask for good things.  Because They love us so much, they only want good things for us.

2. The Holy Ghost.  The Holy Ghost helps us make good choices.  He comforts us and sends us positive thoughts.  He lets us know when we should help another person.  He is sent to help us attract good things into our lives.

3. The Savior. The Savior took upon himself all the bad things of the world: the sins, the bad thoughts, the bad feelings, fears, worries, everything, in the hopes that we wouldn't have to feel them.  Because He loves us, and he understands this law, and he wants us to experience all good and happy things.

And this, the Law of Attraction, helps me understand the answer to one of the Big Questions by unbelievers: Why would God allow bad things to happen to innocent people?  Because of the Law of Attraction: He must follow the law, and grant us what is being asked for.  Because the collective energy of the world is so focused on hate and divisiveness and wickedness and evil, the whole world, the human race as a whole, is attracting hate and divisiveness and wickedness and evil en mass, and some people innocently get caught up in the crap.  And it's not fair.  And they will be loved and blessed and rewarded for their struggles later.

But, I know you are asking, I ask for good things, and I still get crap.  Let's look at the second half of the Matt. scripture, "...whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (emphasis added).

Let's say someone wants lots of money. You can ask for that, right?  I mean the scripture says "anything," so money counts.  So let's say I ask for lots of money in my formal prayers. It's not enough to ask--I have to BELIEVE.  What's easier to believe: that I will somehow get lots of money, or that I will continue to struggle to pay my bills?  I know what's easier to believe on my end.  I understand struggle and no money so much more than I understand wealth, so that's where I put my belief.  So even though I've asked for it, I'm really putting my belief in the negative outcome, and pretty much, I get the negative outcome.

Once I started to understand that all my thoughts and feelings were part of my conversations to Heavenly Father, and I realized that those were essentially prayers, I started thinking consciously (that sounds weird, right?  But how many times have we had thoughts just pop up out of nowhere?).  I was so surprised!  All my thoughts (aka prayers) focused on how fat I was, how much I disliked what I looked like, and how much money I don't have. My twice-a-day formal prayers, of course, asked for help with weight loss and money, but how can two formal prayers combat HUNDREDS of informal prayers? 

No wonder I felt like I was stuck!  I was CONSTANTLY asking the universe to make me fat and poor. Guess what?  It delivered.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that when you focus on bad things (through worry or fear or thoughts) and believe bad things will happen, then you attract bad things.  It happens to me all the time.

The good news is the opposite is true: When you focus on good things (through joy, faith, and thought), and believe that good things will happen for you, you attract good things.  It's happened to me before.  When I started learning these ideas, I decided to put it to the test.  I decided I wanted more money, so I doubled my fast offerings.  My husband got a better job like the next week. About a month ago, we bought new rose bushes, and one of them looked like it wasn't going to make it. In fact, Joe was ready to pull it out and throw it away.  I told him to give it more time. I wanted to see if I could trigger the Ask and Ye Shall Receive Law into action.

 Every day I went outside and talked to the roses (I know.  I felt silly while I was doing it, too).  I said things like, "I know you are beautiful.  I know you will fulfill your calling to beautify the earth.  I'll ask Heavenly Father to send some angels to help you." I had my little girlies bless the roses in our family prayers, and whenever we walked passed them in garden, I would say loudly, "Look! Aren't our roses so pretty!" (so the roses could hear me) even though they were just bare stalks. It wasn't a week later when that sad, little Charlie Brown Christmas-Tree-ish rose bush began sprouting new, green growth.  It has flourished, and I know it's because I asked and I believed.  And dog-gone-it, I received.

So.  This is why I refuse to weigh myself.  I know every time I step on the scale and see 2 - -, I'm going to think, "Goodness sake I'm fat." or, "Wow.  That number is big." And basically, those thoughts turn into what I focus on: fat and big numbers.  And, because I've seen the number, I will be believe that all I am is fat and big numbers, and that's what I will eventually receive: more fat and more big numbers.  And that's what I don't want.

Instead, I want what happened today: I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, I look better today.  My running is paying off!" and I believed it because I saw it.  I don't know if I've lost weight or any inches.  And I don't care.  I didn't want to step on the scale and see no weight loss, because then I would just believe that all my efforts meant no weight loss, so I would attract no weight loss.  No.  Not this time, Universe! I want to believe I'm prettier and thinner and my efforts are paying off! I want to attract more better looks and more results from my running! 

So no scales and no measurements for a while.

As a side note, I have taken my measurements, and I have weighed myself before I started my serious focus on exercise and eating, so when I'm done, I will have statistics for you.  But I'm not checking up in between unless I KNOW it will be a positive experience.  

One last thought for everyone: since I have been learning about this, and since my perspective has changed, and I have been conscious of the truth of the Ask and Ye Shall Receive Law, I have felt so powerful. 

I have always had this belief that Heavenly Father didn't want me to have a rock star body, or that he didn't want me to have money, because I had something to learn, or that those desires weren't in line with His will.  Now, I see that is just ridiculous. Why wouldn't Heavenly Father want me to love myself and take care of the temple He gave me? Why wouldn't He want me to take ownership of my actions and stop whining? Why wouldn't that be His will for me?  Why wouldn't Heavenly Father want me to have enough money to take care of my family, with enough left over to bless others?  Why wouldn't that be His will?  Isn't His will that I have joy?  I also believe that wickedness never was happiness, and through scripture study, I can learn what wickedness is. And if I desire things that are not wicked, like reverence and respect for my own personal temple, or money to give and bless others, I can ask for it, and with faith, I will receive it.

I now understand that I don't have to sit by and watch life happen to me, and then deal with it. Instead, I can create, with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, the life that will bring me joy. The freedom and power that gives me is unbelievable.  With God's promises, I can create my life any way I want it. 

Books that I read and Can Explain Better Than Me:

LDS Scripture (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, D&C)

Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle

The Results Book by Wally Minto

The Rules

I am a rule follower by nature. I like rules. I like to follow rules. I mostly like to make up rules and then make other people follow them (which is why I became a teacher and a mom. Total power). Starting on this journey without rules would feel incomplete and superficial and not real. So rules must exist.

But get ready, because these rules have very little to do with food or exercise for two reasons.

1. I'm not a nutritionist and making arbitrary food rules without a lot of research doesn't sound like a good idea to me. And besides, I've been on a lot of diets, and failed at them all.  And they all had food rules. The least common denominator, folks.  A lot of food rules doesn't seem to be working in my favor.

2. This approach isn't about what I can and can't eat. It's about loving my body and listening to what it wants.

So I only have one food rule. The rest are...well...they're not normal... (by the way, these are my rules for me, and not for anyone else to follow. I'm recording a journal, not recommending a program, people).

Rule #1 (the only food rule): Eat protein for breakfast
This is the one diet rule that I have learned from my many, many attempts at diets that I have found to be very easy, and also very beneficial. When I start my day with protein, it seems that is what I crave the rest of the day. Protein=good for my primitive Native American DNA. So protein shakes, eggs, bacon, ham, that kind of stuff. And maybe a steak and eggs once in a while. YUM.

Rule #2: Listen to Uplifting Music When I'm Spending Time with My Body.
That sounds a little weird, I know.  Let me explain. When I say "spending time with my body," I mean those times of day when I'm specifically doing body stuff, like putting on makeup, doing my hair, taking a shower, exercising, etc.

And I need to clarify "uplifting music." I do not mean listen to the MoTab or any other boring stuff. When I say "uplifting," I mean music that makes you dance and music that makes you feel good. Listen, it's really hard to not be happy when you're listening to "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. "Uptown Funk"  I'm sorry.  I just can't not dance to this song. There is nothing so fun as cutting a rug to this song in the shower. Not to mention the calories you can burn by dancing.
2. "Happy" by Pharrell Williams.  Again.  You can't mentally berate yourself when you're too busy clapping along because you know what happiness is to you. And again, the dance/calorie factor.
3. "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor.  It's really hard to abuse your body when you're dancing around to a song that glorifies your fat butt.  I mean, the first verse says, "It's pretty clear I ain't no size two/ but I can shake it, shake it like I'm supposed to." I totally relate to that, especially when I'm shaking it in the shower and no one can see it.  And what about this one, "If you got beauty just raise 'em up/ because every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top." How can you not like your body after that? And how about "boys like a little more booty to hold at night"?  Truer words have never been spoken.  Even I, I, who has more treble than bass, I whose husband affectionately calls my butt "asprin ass" (round and flat with a crack up the middle), can testify to the fact that boys like booty to hold at night (but they're not going to complain about boobie, either).
4. "Lips are Movin" by Meghan Trainor.  Basically anything by her.  Her stuff is naked-dancing gold.
5. "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. I don't think this needs any commentary.
6. "Eye of the Tiger."  There has never been a more fighting/winning/effort/I-Can-Do-It song in the world. Just punch and drop kick that negative thinking out of your life!

I like to use Amazon Prime Music to play in the bathroom--it has great free songs, if you're a prime member.

Rule #3 Walk Around My Bedroom Naked or Change My Clothes When My Husband Is Watching
Okay.  This might be TMI, but there is a very good reason for this. Since I have had babies and gained weight, I don't change in front of my husband any more. I've been ashamed of my body, which, when you think about it, is ridiculous.  I mean, I've had three babies--two through the hoo-ha, and one with C-Section.  My husband has literally seen me inside and out.  He's seen parts of me I have never seen.  For heaven sakes, he's seen the doctor pull out my intestines and stuff them back in, and then sew me up, yet I don't dare change my clothes in front of him because I don't feel like I'm pretty? How stupid and totally illogical is that?  Well, no more. When my husband wants to look at my body, I'm going to let him, because he loves me, he loves my body, and he thinks it's beautiful no matter what.

He is very happy about this change of events, to say the least.

Rule #4 Dance Naked Once in a While
Ever seen that "Friends" episode when Rachel dances around her apartment naked? It's fun. And nothing lets you get comfortable with your body like dancing.

Rule #5 If I Catch Myself Saying Bad Things About My Body, Stop and Say Thank You
It's a hard habit to break, folks, saying mean things to yourself. I do it without even really thinking. Yesterday, on my way out the door to church, I caught a reflection of myself in the glass of our door, and I thought, "Wow!  My arms are fat!" I didn't even realize I had thought it until after I thought it.  I quickly followed it up with a thank-you statement, something like, "Thank you, arms, for being strong enough to carry my cute baby boy around." Remember, I'm trying to appreciate my body for what it does right instead of berating it for what it does wrong.

Rule #6 No Weighing
This is a whole separate blog post, so come back and later and see why I refuse to weigh myself.

Rule #7 Wear Nice Clothes and Look Nice
For about 6 years I have refused to buy clothes that actually fit me because I thought that keeping my body in a perpetual state of being uncomfortable and self-conscious would motivate me to lose weight.  All that did was make me feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, and ugly to boot. If I'm loving my body, I should let it look nice the way it is. I should do my hair and my makeup, not because I'm covering up the way I look, but because I'm done settling for looking less than the best.

So those are my rules. It's hard to change the way you think about yourself. It's hard to shift your focus from the traditional lose-weight mentality.  Most people, when they embark on losing weight, they are always thinking about food and exercise all the time, and they don't give their body credit for what it is right now. I realize I'm approaching this backwards, but there's a reason my body isn't it's best self.

And that's because I've never allowed it be be good enough.

So I'm Going to Lose Weight and Blog About It

Not that the concept about blogging about weight loss is ground breaking, or anything, but I have finally come to the place where I have decided it's going to happen for real.  And I'm not going to follow a "diet plan."  And I'm not going to follow an "exercise plan".  I'm going to try to lose weight by doing something new.  It's called Liking My Body.  Yep.  I really think that if I start to actually like the vehicle I was gifted when I was born, that maybe I'll start to take care of it naturally, and maybe, just maybe, my body will start to take care of me.

Let me tell you how I got here.

About three years ago, a girl in the ward I lived in introduced me to something called Dressing Your Truth.  I thought it sounded kind of cheesy.  I don't usually like things with titles like that.  I don't like talking about "your truth" and "your true self."  I don't know, it feels so hokey, so "lets-get-married-naked-in-the-redwoods-to-commune-with-nature-and-not-shave-our-armpits-or-legs"-ish.  It's not me.  I'm realistic. I'm practical. I'm normal.  So anything that discusses my truth...well, let's just say it sounded weird to me.

But then she talked to me about it. She told me how it had changed her life, and how she had realized that the things she didn't like about herself were her gifts.  Well, that didn't sound weird to me.  I mean, I've been raised to believe that through the Spirit of God that our weaknesses can become strengths. Isn't this was she was talking about, I thought?  Yes. And believe me, I knew I had plenty of weaknesses I would like to see magically vanish into strengths.

So I went home.  I googled Dressing Your Truth. I watched the free videos that were sent to me everyday to help me "find my truth" so then I could proceed to "dress my truth."  I was skeptical.

I found myself being prompted to buy into the program.

I know.  I KNOW. Totally out of character for me.

 I'm thoughtful. I'm smart. I think things through. I weigh pros and cons. I don't just buy expensive dressing programs on a whim.  There is only one other time when I did something so totally out of character for me, and that was when I got engaged to my husband after dating for three weeks, and married him within 4 months of our first date.

I KNOW!  Who does that?  Not me.

Usually.  But when I got engaged to my husband, I knew I should do it, and the same feeling came over me when I saw those Dressing Your Truth videos.  And well, getting married to my husband has worked out pretty well, so I thought, why not? and purchased the program.

Fast forward three years.  Dressing Your Truth has been fun. My fashion and my makeup style are great. And all those weaknesses?  Well, it turns out that your weaknesses don't magically turn to strengths, like I thought (I imagined I would suddenly stop being a big mouth and start being a quietly spiritual person).  No, instead, Dressing Your Truth changed my perspective about those weaknesses, and taught me how to use those things I didn't like to bless others.

I wasn't so hard on myself about my personality and my parenting style.  I started to accept those gifts I didn't like before.  My wardrobe and makeup were better. But I still wasn't totally happy with my station in life, and particularly my body, especially after having my last baby. I wanted that total happiness and acceptance of my body that so many women in the Dressing Your Truth community talk about, and I just wasn't finding it.

Finally, earlier this year, I decided I needed to be proactive about my happiness.  I read some books, a few by Carol Tuttle, and I prayed a lot. About a month ago, I received what I believe was my answer to all my prayers.

I was in the bathroom, following my daily routine: Looking at my outfit and berating my body for it's appearance. My internal monologue went something like this:

"Geez.  I am so fat. It's not fair. Why can't I have a body that bounces back from pregnancy like everyone else? It's not fair that I have to give up carbs just to lose a few pounds. Stupid native american genes. Stupid floppy skin. Stupid fat..." and on and on and on.

Suddenly, a thought came to my mind so incredibly loud, it surprised myself. That thought was so loud and forceful that I couldn't help but stop and pay attention.  It said, "What the hell do you want from me?  I've carried you through your life for 33 years--THIRTY-THREE YEARS--with basic good health. I've grown three PERFECT BABIES for you.  THREE PERFECT BABIES! I digest your food, I filter out all the crap you insist on eating, and I am strong enough to get you through your day so you can hug and kiss the THREE PERFECT BABIES I GREW FOR YOU. And still it's not enough.  Go to hell!"

My body apparently has a potty mouth, but who can blame it?  It was pretty pissed. I had done nothing but bitch and moan about my body since the time I was ten and my body developed breasts earlier than I thought it should have. My body did grow and deliver three perfect babies for me, and all I did was tell it that all that effort wasn't enough. My body has kept me pretty dang healthy all these years, and I kept telling it how stupid it was. I would be pretty pissed at my boss, too.

It occurred to me that I was meaner to my body than I would ever be to any other person. I would never, for example, accept a 12 page, perfectly researched, perfectly written research paper from one of my students and then say, "A red folder?  I thought it should be blue. Stupid red folder. Why couldn't you have picked a blue one. It would have made your paper so much better, you big dummy." But that's what I was doing to my body. I was accepting its perfect gifts and then berating it for not looking like what I thought it should.

Never once had I said thank you. Never once had I told my body that it was enough. Never once had I thought that my body served me well. Yeah.  I deserved the butt-chewing I got. I vowed from that day on that I would start to thank my body, and accept it no matter what.

But 23 years of hatred doesn't heal so easily. So that's where I am today. For the last month, I've been trying to find ways to help me change my mindset, to start to thank my body and accept and love my body. Maybe then, if I just love the way it looks and am grateful for the functions it preforms everyday, maybe it will start, you know, functioning better. Maybe if I actually liked my body, I would give it food that it liked, instead of food that I liked. Maybe if I liked my body, I would work a little harder to give it the activity it craved. Maybe, if I loved my body, just maybe, my body would heal itself and be fit and healthy, just because it knows it is loved and appreciated.

So that's what I'm going to blog about. How I'm striving to love my body everyday, and seeing if loving myself, appreciating my body for the miraculous vehicle it is, makes a difference. I've tried Weight Watchers, MD Diets, Insanity workouts, Zumba, jogging, Atkins, the Insulin Resistance Diet, and I'm still in the same place.  I might as well give actually liking myself a shot.

Welcome to my journey,